I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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