jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.