i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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