Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
