where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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