Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
As shirtless as possible
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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