She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My bed smells like the plague
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