Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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