3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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