Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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