we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
