I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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