You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
