Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
