Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
