ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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