apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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