wanna go halves on a baby?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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