this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
