I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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