HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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