i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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