you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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