I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
birth control should be required to get into college
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
