Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
