Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this boner is exhausting
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
