I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
