If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
