There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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