My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
