Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
