i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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