Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
