I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
