Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
