if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Terrible idea I love it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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