even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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