First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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