I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
