I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
