woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
