tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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