He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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