It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
