I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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