I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
