I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
