this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
