if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
