Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
