just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
