I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
