Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
