I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
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A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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