you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
