I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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