I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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