Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
