Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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