the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it was like his penis was on wheels.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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