the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
