The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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