I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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